Practice round

So, I've been debating whether to blog about this or not because I don't want to be a downer but if we're having a baby fever website I think its important to talk about the amazing -having a baby - and the unexpected - a miscarriage. I would have been due April 17.

I took a home pregnancy test on a Thursday. It was the most exciting moment to look over and read the words PREGNANT. Then to run into the bedroom and wake Joey up with the good news was amazing. His response was 'My boys can swim!' We told our parents and siblings that day as well. I was on cloud nine. This could not have worked out any better - getting pregnant our first month trying and my blood sugars were close to the range of someone without diabetes for the past few weeks.

On a quick side note: For those who may not know, I have type 1 diabetes, I wear and insulin pump to control my blood sugars and check my blood sugar at least 10 times a day. I have been very anxious wondering how I could get my blood sugars to the near perfect range that I've been striving for the past 20 years. I'm close but not quite there. For someone without diabetes your blood sugar should be between 60-110 - this is the range a pregnant woman with type 1 diabetes is supposed to follow as well - how am I supposed to do that? The good news is it wasn't as hard as I thought - I think the baby syphoning sugar from my blood helped achieve this daunting goal.

I had my Hcg levels (pregnancy hormone level) drawn Friday - they definitely showed I was pregnant but I had to go Monday as well to make sure the level was doubling or tripling as it should every 2-3 days. Barely doubled. I had to go for another blood draw Wednesday - only went up a few points. Not a good sign. I was told to come into the office for an ultrasound because the doctor was worried I may have an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound showed it was not ectopic but there also was nothing in my uterus - still very early in the pregnancy so that was not surprising I was told. Another blood draw on Friday revealed my levels had dropped in half. I was devastated. The thought of having a miscarriage was not something I was worried about. I think my focus was on my blood sugars and I figured as long as I had that under control then everything would be okay. On Sunday I had the miscarriage. It happened naturally - no procedures needed which I was thankful for.

Numb, distraught, angry, confused, sad are a few of the emotions I was wrestling for the next several days. Why do teenage mothers or crack heads have unplanned pregnancies that don't end in a miscarriage? Why me? Was it something I did? I know the statistics are that 40% of first time pregnancies end in miscarriage but I'm not supposed to be in the 40%. I have to deal with a high risk pregnancy filled with blood sugar checks, carb counting, giving insulin, constant monitoring - why should I have to deal with this as well? I may not have even known I was pregnant if I wasn't needing to 'plan' so carefully due to having diabetes. I was really angry with my body at first - wondering what was wrong with me. I've decided my body did a good thing because there was a reason that baby didn't 'stick'. Its amazing how many times making a baby comes out right and will make me appreciate that even more when I have one I'm holding.

I'm doing much better now - I've come to terms with what has happened but still occasionally feel really sad when I think where I would be in my pregnancy - this would have been my 9th week.

That was our practice round - I'm excited to get back on the TTC (trying to conceive) wagon when its time.