Hello . . . Is There Anybody In There . . ?

Frustrations abound.

While I realize that everything that is happening to my body is for a good, natural, and healthy purpose, I can't help but feel like I have some terrible, ever-lasting illness that is destroying my me. If it were just exhaustion, I could deal. If I just felt a little sick, I would understand. If I only had indigestion after eating spicy meals that would make sense. But its all of them, and more, and after I eat anything.

I was looking forward to this past holiday weekend. Three day weekends are like a lush oasis in a sea of work, work, work. For me, this weekend was good because it provided me plenty of time to lie around - in bed, on the couch, on the other couch, on the basement couch (you get the point). But this weekend was also bad because I did not enjoy it, strike that, could not enjoy it. Each morning brought a fleeting few hours of "feeling good" while I tried to accomplish something useful before late morning and afternoon ickiness set in. Each meal brought the promise of indigestion that left me feeling thoroughly sickened by even the most benign foods - crackers, flat warm coke, etc. And each evening brought with it waves of nausea and flushed skin that, at times, made me completely break down into sobs. I would shower, but didn't feel like doing my hair. I would try to distract myself with movies but felt stir crazy.

A nice break was when we got to go to my mom's for dinner on Saturday night. I was jonesing for her mashed potatoes and meatloaf and she was happy to make it for me. I love love love her mashed potatotes. But nothing in that meal loved me. I was sick the rest of the night and barely able to sleep. It wasn't the food's fault, it was this little peanut wreaking havoc on my system.

The only time I actually did anything the whole weekend was Monday morning. See, two weeks ago when I was still feeling fine we made plans to bike on the towpath with some friends. I was really excited at the time - but not so excited Sunday night when I was in my second crying breakdown for the weekend. But, come Monday morning I started my day as usual - with the precious hours of feeling relatively normal. This gave me the energy to dress and go biking. I really did enjoy it. Until about 1pm when I started to feel sick while we were still 4 miles from the car. It is really strange to bike nauseous. Luckily, I made it and rewarded myself with lunch at the Winking Lizard, which then proceeded to give me indigestion and more nausea (sensing a pattern?)

So far, my peanut has not caused me to show, and I certainly can't feel it moving around yet. Sometimes I wonder . . . is anybody really in there? Is a person actually growing in me? I look forward to seeing and feeling the result of all the hard times I have been trudging through. Maybe then it will feel more like a good thing and less like an illness. Hang tight little peanut, hang tight.