Can we really do it all? Some days, it feels like I can - at least I feel hopeful that I can. But most days I feel like I am barely getting by - fitting in a full days work before picking up the baby and trying to get dinner ready. Then, if I am lucky, the baby isn't too tired to play for a bit before its time for a bath and bed. After that, I fall into bed myself, usually passing out quickly, only so that I can get up and do it all again. I work towards the weekend, where it whizzes by in an instant and I barely catch my breath before the new week begins. "Boo hoo", right? Aren't we all in the same boat? Maybe so, but why? I have found myself thinking a lot about this lately, and it dawned on me today that I feel like I am only a part-time mom. Don't get me wrong, Elliot is never far from my mind, but I don't feel like I am allowing myself a large enough chunk of my day or my life to commit to being just a mom.
Work is challenging and I love the intellectual workout in debating finer points of law or strategizing our moves on a case. And honestly, I think I would really miss the mental stimulation if it were gone. But I want to be able to have the ability to spend as much time researching and implementing my mothering goals and skills as I do my lawyering goals and skills. I want to be able to still have enough energy during the day to think of fun and creative things to do with Elliot, and the time to carry them out. He is really developing and it is so exciting, but I feel like so much of what is going on with him is being fostered by someone else. Ms. Sharon is making sure he spends more time on his tummy, and Ms. Sharon is feeding him cereal and bananas and trying to interest him in solids, and Ms. Sharon is working on moving him into nap time without a pacifier. Shouldn't it be me? I mean, I find myself saying, "oh, Elliot has to take a nap at x time today because that is what Ms. Sharon has established with him." Thank goodness we have a loving and caring day care environment, but shouldn't I be doing all of these things, and not taking her lead?
Working, not working, working part time. It's not about luxury or playing tennis or manicures to me. I just want to be able to have the time and energy to treat motherhood like the serious and full time job that it is. Right now, I feel like everything is all out of balance and I can't help but wonder why we do this to ourselves and what, ultimately, is the effect it has on our kids?
All of this just makes me feel a little bit sad. And as much as I loathe the thought of it, maybe there is something to the traditional way of running a family . . .
