Baby Fever Ebbs and Flows

Have no fear Marni, you are not alone.  After a brief respite from baby fever madness, I have returned to feeling ready and excited (and scared) to embark on the baby train.  Recently, though, I did have some moments of panic about the prospect of pregnancy.  I was visiting with a friend when she asked me if I wanted to do a bike race for charity with her this summer.  Being someone who loves to bike, I said sure. Then I realized that I will probably not be able to participate, and this made me sad. I mean, I don't even have a child yet and already I am beginning to feel like my life and my choices are not entirely my own.  And as if that weren't enough, I had a conversation with that same friend later that same day about a mutual friend's upcoming wedding.  She was pondering the idea of appointing a designated driver for the reception when she turned to me and asked if I would take that role since I will probably be pregnant and all.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind giving up my cherished glasses of wine to bring a child into this world, its just that her comment made me feel really isolated and sad.  It was the first time I really felt like I would have to say goodbye to a chapter of my life - like my childless friends are going to get to live on in this reality that I have always been a part of, but where I can no longer stay.  This really throws me out of whack. 

Today, I am feeling better and more exited about starting on a path towards motherhood. Only, my baby fever has become less rabid and blinding and now feels a little more calm and well-reasoned.  I am really looking forward to having this person to teach how to do things and to watch it grow and turn from a blob of a baby into a teeny person.  Although, it is me, so I will probably go back and forth a few more times before I actually pull the trigger . . . I have already decided to bring some condoms on vacation, just in case I chicken out.